Self-Reliance

Finding Fulfillment

/ nicholasjinfante / Leave a comment

I just returned home from an eventful two weeks in NYC. I ate too much food at many great restaurants, saw a broadway show, got trapped in the most toxic air mass recorded in over half a century, and was able to spend some much needed time with friends and family I don’t get to see often. I visited my old neighborhood, embraced being a tourist in my former home, dodged some freakishly large rats, was accosted on at least three separate occasions, and nearly shit my pants once because trying to find a public restroom in New York City is akin to trying to find the fountain of youth. I also went to a Yankee game, but we’re not going to talk about them until they get their fucking act together. 

Anyway… while I was hanging out with one of my best friends one day in the city, we ended up having a bit of a heart to heart. The subject matter touched on something I’ve spoken about before, but I feel it is such a prevalent issue and there can never be too much said about its importance. I am drawing on memory several weeks old (and I may or may not have taken a hit of a joint before this conversation occurred), but we were speaking about how great it feels to watch other people succeed and find happiness in their lives, and then he said something along the lines of, “But it can be really hard sometimes because I haven’t found my thing / I don’t know what it is.” 

Let me preface the rest of this post by saying that this person is one of the most intelligent people I know. He has overcome so much in his life already to be where he is today. He has a good job and he’s living with his fiance in a great part of Manhattan and they’re both under 30 – he’s objectively killing it right now. I have seen this person demonstrate his determination and discipline in the form of grueling physical activity that most Americans wouldn’t even want to attempt, let alone be able to execute. I doubt he’s aware of this, but I truly admire his ability to dedicate himself completely to something and not stop until he’s accomplished it. And yet, deep down, he feels that there is something missing – he feels unfulfilled.

We spoke of the importance of trying new things and he mentioned that his job offers him an ideal work/life balance. He also conceded that he should be trying new things more often, but he appreciates his downtime and never actually gets around to it. I think I have to make a concession myself here – up until now I have felt strongly that everyone should seek meaningful work in their life. I felt that it was absolutely necessary for human fulfillment. Although I still believe that this form of finding fulfillment is under the most direct control of the individual, my stance has recently changed in that it is not necessary to experience fulfillment through work, granted that you can find it from some other means.

I just finished reading Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl, and in this book he states that there are indeed three different ways a human being can derive meaning from their existence. They are: (1) By creating a work or accomplishing some task, (2) By experiencing something fully or loving somebody (aw), and (3) By the attitude that one adopts toward unavoidable suffering (the keyword here being unavoidable). I find myself fully accepting this theory. I still believe that human beings by design are created to solve problems, help each other, and contribute to the greater good and should therefore find their unique way of accomplishing these things through meaningful work. BUT, I also recognize that this is not realistic for everyone and therefore it would only stand to reason that there are other ways of meeting this human need.

Aside from meaningful work, the next option you have for finding fulfillment in your life is through experiencing love. When someone finds meaning in their life through loving someone else, I think it is more often a child rather than a spouse or partner. I’m sure some people have found a way to happily live their lives for their significant other, but I personally find that to be a recipe for disaster because most relationships based on a high level of codependency tend to be pretty…. troublesome. However, although I have no plans for children of my own, I can (and have) seen how bringing a human life into this world can absolutely alter the essence of one’s own existence. Those who take responsibility for their children and rise to the occasion to help them learn and grow and thrive in this challenging world suddenly find their own well-being coming in second place, behind that of their child’s. It becomes their mission to protect and provide. In this way, they are given a purpose to live for. 

The third way… by the attitude that one adopts toward unavoidable suffering – I believe means the way someone can interpret a meaning in their pain. It is difficult to speculate what might go through the mind of someone who has been given a terminal diagnosis, someone who has lost a loved one in a car accident, or someone who has been wrongfully convicted of a crime – but these are instances of unavoidable suffering. Should your suffering be avoidable, you should do everything in your power to alleviate yourself of it. But when the source of your suffering is unavoidable, it becomes an opportunity to find meaning in that pain. Probably the best and most recent personal experience I can draw upon is having spent the worst months of the pandemic in the epicenter of the world. Though the various sorts of suffering experienced were unavoidable, I developed a greater sense of empathy, compassion, gratitude and genuine appreciation for life itself because of it. I found meaning in that suffering. 

As it relates to my friend, I think having found an occupation that provides him an agreeable way of life financially and creates a desired work/life balance is excellent. Many people would do anything to have that, but it still doesn’t fill the uniquely human need we all have – the need for fulfillment. Perhaps his need for fulfillment can be quenched by something else he can pursue as a hobby… or maybe he is simply going to wait until he has children and find a greater meaning to his life that way. All I can say is that when one is unsure of their purpose and is searching for meaning, it is incumbent on that person to continuously seek out new experiences and to stay patient. To have found so much meaning early on in my life through my work is somewhat paradoxical because the most unfortunate event of my life turned out to also be the most fortunate. A “blessing in disguise,” if you will. Without having understood the mission that I was being called to during the depths of the lockdowns in NYC, I very well may have lost my mind. I leaned into my work and the value I was creating for others in their time of need became more important to me than my own struggles. That gave me purpose. 

That being said, I don’t expect everyone to take a philosophical stance to life and pull a highly rewarding job out of their ass like a cruise line magician. But I do expect people to be reasonable. And a reasonable stance to take is to understand that you do not have to be sure of the meaning of your life so early on. Some people don’t find it until their 50’s or 60’s or even longer. Unfortunately, many never find it at all – these are the people who refuse to try new things. The ones who accept apathy as a cure for longing. At some point you have to accept that this human experience we’re all a part of is as unique to each of us as our fingerprint or DNA. Putting emphasis on some imaginary destination or subscribing to the idea that your life “should be” some particular way is to miss the point of life itself – it’s the journey and the evolution of your being that you’re here for. It’s overcoming challenges, solving problems, and developing into the best version of yourself along the way that you’re supposed to be focused on. If you don’t find a way to go all in on that, then you’re just sitting around waiting to die. 

Maybe the most striking interpretation in Man’s Search For Meaning was the idea that we all believe we are asking what the meaning to our life is when in reality we are the ones who are being asked. This simple shift in your psychological orientation towards this dilemma can set you free. Rather than feeling like some hopelessly lost soul meandering around wondering why the world won’t show you the way, you can take full control of your situation and instead show the world what your life stands for. See, you can have/do just about anything you want in life if you have the audacity to believe in yourself enough and have the balls to go for it. Many like to think that there is some fatalistic predetermined order to the universe, but I don’t think so. I think that we are all here for a reason and that everything conceivable is available to each of us. It is our free will and how we make use of it that will ultimately determine the quality of our life. That’s the X factor in all of this. You’re here for something, but can you find it? Can you become the person you need to be to actualize it? 

Essentially, this means that there are myriad different paths each of us can take in life. It is up to us, based on the decisions we make and the actions we take, to influence and construct the path we want for ourselves. What tends to trip people up is the fear of choosing incorrectly. The crippling anxiety that stems from understanding each major decision we make can dramatically alter the trajectory of our life for better or worse causes a lot of people to freeze. However, I’d like to point out again that if you stand still, time continues to move along with or without your cooperation. To not embrace the power of making these decisions is still a decision. It is to voluntarily be swept away with time – to just sit around and wait to die. The finiteness and impermanence of your life should be all you need to discard this anxiety and hop into the driver’s seat. Time is going to carry you forward regardless, so you may as well steer the damn thing. 

If you’re stuck in the I-have-no-fucking-clue-what-I’m-doing-here stage or if you’ve made a series of bad decisions and just want to change direction in your life – then I think this simple equation can help. I’m speaking from personal experience here. My free will used to prioritize doing a lot of cocaine and guzzling cheap vodka instead of seeking out new opportunities and becoming a better person (more on that at another time). It wasn’t until I decided to really start doing what was best for me that my life began to open up in ways I never thought possible. If you’re feeling lost right now, I firmly believe you should focus on these two things: 

  1. Discovering what you like to do 
  1. Discovering what you’re good at  

The beauty here is that finding out what you like to do and what you’re good at involves the same process. The process of trying new shit. You have to be willing to try new things or you’re pretty much shit out of luck. This is where I’m going to lose a lot of people. Too often no one wants to put themselves out there and go through the elimination phase of figuring out what they don’t like and what they’re not good at – they don’t want to “waste their time.” The irony is that by not putting yourself out there and trying new things and exposing yourself to new ideas and new possibilities, wasting your time is exactly what you’re doing. Finding meaning and fulfillment in your life is not going to come to you – you must go out in the world and look for it. This is easier than it’s ever been because you don’t even have to leave the house anymore. Try new things online. It doesn’t matter how you do it, it just matters that you do actually do it. 

Once you’ve figured out what you like to do and what you’re good at, it becomes a matter of creativity. How creatively can you merge these two things together to give yourself a solid starting point on a new chapter of your life? In a perfect world you would be able to find a job opening with a lit up runway that was an exact 50/50 mash-up of these two things. The reality is that you might have to create the job or path you need to be on. It might not exist yet. You’re going to have to make compromises and deal with things that suck along the way. When it comes to life, dealing with bullshit is the price of admission. Just don’t stop trying new things until you have identified what you like to do and what you are good at. If you find and combine those two things together, you will swing the odds of being successful in whatever way is most meaningful to you and of finding fulfillment in your life solidly in your favor. On the other hand, if your willingness to try new things is contingent on knowing whether or not you will succeed, you’ve already failed. 

It should be liberating rather than worrisome to hear that your life and what you make of it is entirely in your hands, but it is an unfortunate reality that people want to believe this less and less nowadays. It is far easier to blame the conditions of your childhood, your parents, the government, the economy, the rich, your health, or whatever other reasons you can think of to avoid looking in the mirror and asking yourself the hard questions. Are you actually trying your best? Are you working on building better habits and destroying self-sabotaging behaviors? Are you seeking new knowledge and opportunities? Are you taking consistent action? If the answer is yes, then you’re dealing with a case of impatience. I, nor anyone else can make you any guarantees in life, but if you are truly doing all of the above things to the best of your ability and being consistent – you are as close to guaranteed as you can get to having a better life than if you are not doing those things. If the answer is no, then those are the questions you need to examine closely and interrogate yourself on. Why are you not doing them and what is getting in your way?

Another thing I want to stress here is that if you’re struggling to find fulfillment right now, you are not alone. There is a rampant issue of severe unfulfillment in our modern society. This is particularly true in the United States. If you look at the discontentment of the masses – suicide rates, substance abuse (especially opiates like fentanyl) and the epidemic of mass shootings, there is a common thread amongst them. All, most likely, can be traced back to an underlying feeling of meaninglessness. I’m aware that this is a gross oversimplification of these issues, but at their core, are we not dealing with a large population of people who are struggling to recognize the value of their life? Maybe the real epidemic we’re facing is a lack of purpose. It’s good to have ambition and to want your life to be better, but don’t allow that feeling to manifest itself as hatred for your life the way that it is at this moment. Don’t want to be different so badly that it hurts your self-esteem about being who you are right now. If things aren’t going well, judging your life in its totality when there’s still time on the clock does nothing to help you. It just demoralizes you and sucks the wind out of your sails. You’re supposed to fuck up. You’re supposed to be frustrated. Angry. Sad. Worried. You’re supposed to feel all of these things because you’re a human being. What you’re also supposed to do is find whatever gives your life meaning and chase it ferociously – in spite of it all. 

There is good news here. Human beings are blessed with an internal navigation system. Not in location, but in life. If you’re feeling lost, consult your mind and your heart (in that order) and follow what you know to be right. Rely on this system to find your True North and never stop walking in that direction. No one else can do this for you. You can have people who love and support you along the way, but at the end of the day, your life is solely your responsibility. No one knows what you need better than you do. Don’t shy away from the challenge of finding fulfillment in your life – it’s supposed to be difficult. Life is this uncertain, complex, chaotic and mysterious thing. It’s somehow irrational and logical, and dysfunctional and organized, all at the same time. I think the beauty of it is that there’s really no “right” answer. There’s only the answer that you provide. Once you’ve given an answer, you get to determine whether or not it’s the right answer for you. If it’s not, you can change your answer as many times as you need to. Because you are not the one that is asking what the meaning of your life is… you are the one that is being asked.

Focus on What’s Right

/ nicholasjinfante / Leave a comment

I’ve been so busy with work and travel lately that I’ve been making a lot of excuses for not dedicating time to write. In fact, as I write this, I’m currently sitting seaside on the island of Maui in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, listening to the sound of white-crested waves race across the open water and crash against the black volcanic rocks that litter the coastline. Being here is an incredible feeling. It’s one of those places I’ve always dreamt of visiting and I think most people have that dream. To actualize it and not only be here, but to be here for a full month, traversing multiple islands, and celebrating Thanksgiving Hawaiian style is amazing. Best of all, I’m here with my mom. Being able to share this bucket list trip with her after spending my childhood watching her work her ass off as a single parent to keep a roof over our heads is charged with so many positive emotions that truly outweigh everything else about the experience. But there’s another feeling I contended with the first few days on the island.

That other feeling, tucked way down in the back of my mind behind all the amazing feelings stemming from being in this moment where nearly half a decade of hard work has culminated in a real-life dream coming true is – “Is this it?” I’m not sure what the best way to articulate that feeling is, but I couldn’t help but hear whispers of that question echoing through the corridors of my mind. Is this it? Is this what I’ve been pushing myself so hard for? Is this all there is on the other side of sacrifice and patience? Is this everything I thought it would be? Am I really happy right now or are other areas of my life that need improvement more important? Are all of my troubles bigger than my triumphs?

Don’t get me wrong, when confronted between the choice of being my former broke and angry self and being me now with a level of meaningful success and the freedom to choose where I go and when, it’s not even close. I’d rather be thinking through this issue on a tropical island any day of the week than washing dishes, shoveling horse shit, or putting some drunk asshole into a headlock to pay the bills. But my expectation of how I was going to feel being here is way different than the reality. I thought there would be more clarity that came along with getting to this point. I thought I could at least hit the pause button on the stressful shit in my life and feel more at peace. The truth is, my life and my circumstances have changed dramatically, but I still feel the same. That truth carries over for when I change physical locations as well, no matter how wonderful or exotic those locations may be. Things that had bothered me in New York City followed me to Charlotte and they continue to bother me when I’m sitting in this tropical paradise. Maybe it was silly to believe that there’s a breakthrough point where certain troubles just vanish into thin air, but I think anyone who really goes 100% in on chasing success and a dream has just a little bit of hope in that possibility. It’s unrealistic.

I have so much to be proud of myself for and so much to celebrate in my life right now, but it’s as if my brain insists on clinging to the things that aren’t the way I’d like them to be. Without intentionally focusing on all the good – on all that’s going right in our lives – our minds will default into concentrating on where we feel dissatisfied or where we’re underperforming. The point of this blog post is to help you realize where this is happening in your own life, because if you trick yourself into believing that a big bank account or achieving whatever your idea of success is changes a lot about the inner strife you face as a human being, you’re going to be sorely disappointed even if you get it. I’m not going to lie – there was an element of shame involved when I realized how ridiculous it was to be feeling sorry for myself while on a trip of a lifetime. I’m not particularly proud of the fact that I allowed myself to feel bad while sitting in Hawaii, but I am proud of the fact that I caught myself and course corrected and that although it occurred, it was short lived. If nothing else, it’s a testament to how true happiness must come from within first and foremost. If you’re not happy where you are now, you won’t be truly happy on a tropical island. If you’re not happy by yourself, you won’t be truly happy with other people. If you aren’t happy with what you have, you won’t be truly happy once you get the things you want. The key isn’t to never slip into a bad mood or feel like shit – that’s just part of being human. The goal should be to reach a level of self-awareness that allows you to catch yourself and shift your way of thinking back into a positive and optimistic frame of mind as quickly as possible when you feel like that. Sometimes when you overlook all the blessings in your life and focus solely on the things you perceive to be undesirable, you just have to take a minute and ask yourself… Am I nuts?

This is a good time to remind you that if you live in the United States (or really any first world country) it is an undeniable fact that most other human beings on the planet would switch places with you in a heartbeat. As I write this and as you read this, there are millions upon millions of people like you and I who are facing famine, battling diseases and ailments that could be prevented or treated if they had access to the same resources we have, or they live in constant chaos while trying to keep themselves and their families alive in an active warzone. Billions of others lack reliable access to safe drinking water. I deal with a lot of pressure now that I’m leading a team of people, and I have to take full responsibility for everything that’s happening in our company – that’s my biggest source of stress and anxiety. How’s that stack up in the grand scheme of things? It’s really not shit. Whatever you’re going through right now, put it into context because perspective is everything. The fact that I was able to catch myself slipping into that negative mindset – focusing on all the bad and letting the days pass me by without enjoying the beauty of the moment – allowed me to center myself and lean back into the genuine appreciation for everything wonderful happening in my life despite any issues I’m currently working through. Yes, there are things I’m not thrilled about that I have to face and other things that I wish were going a different way in my life, but right now I’m enveloped in the warmth of the sun, the birds are singing all around me, and palm trees are gently swaying in the wind. It is peaceful. Only my thoughts are capable of removing me from this reality and it’s ultimately my responsibility to reject them when they try.

As human beings, our minds are programmed to look for what’s wrong, and it can steal the joy from even the greatest moments in our lives. One of my favorite quotes I’ve ever read is, “Everything that’s wrong is always available, but so is what’s right.” I wanted to take the time to write this post to remind everyone who reads it to take inventory of themselves and their lives in a truly objective way. You’re always going to have something you feel is lacking. You’re always going to want something to be different about yourself or your existence. Don’t focus on that. Although there may be some truth to these thoughts, they are often distorted in ways that make us feel negative emotions based on a bigger picture that we’re filling in the blanks of with completely imaginary misconceptions. Or worse, you bring yourself down by drawing comparisons to other people when there’s literally zero value in doing so. That means you’re often feeling like shit for real because of something that’s only a half-truth at best. Instead, focus your mind on everything that’s going right and then build on the psychological momentum it gives you. Celebrate your wins, soak them in fully, and tell any conflicting thoughts that try to pull you down from that high to fuck off. That’s how you can find happiness and sustain it. That’s when the external gratifications like working for that big check and then digging your toes in the sand on a beach in Maui become the special moments they’re meant to be.

I needed this reminder to snap myself out of a funky headspace that was making me feel dissatisfied with being in Hawaii. Can you imagine that? Go ahead and roll your eyes at me because I’m still rolling my eyes at myself. Not only is that dumb at face value, but I know better. This is all rooted in mental disciplines that I have studied and understood for a while now. It just goes to show you that the work is never done. You must constantly provide your mind and spirit with nourishing thoughts and not allow your uncontrolled mind to direct itself in unwanted and negative ways. Once thoughts like that establish themselves it is much more difficult to rid yourself of them – so make it a practice to be mindful of choosing the healthiest, most positive thoughts about yourself and your life every day. Life is too short not to find appreciation in every moment, and the extreme of where I just was earlier this week in my own head is a shining example of how much power the quality of your thoughts have over the quality of your life. Choosing what thoughts inhabit your mind on a daily basis is critical to your overall happiness – and your ability to take control of shaping your life to be what you truly want it to be.

Too many people think that the answer to a great life is to change their external circumstances – their finances, their appearance, their location, etc. All of those things can add value to your life, but they are extremely limited – and they won’t make a difference at all if you’re fundamentally unhappy. The foundation of a great life has to begin by looking inward. It is built on your internal conditions – your level of self-love, your appreciation for life itself, and the quality of the relationships you have with the people you love and who love you back. Everything else is just icing on the cake and although you can make a shitty cake look good with a colorful exterior and sprinkles, eventually the truth comes out when you take a bite and realize it belongs in the trash. A lot of the curated versions of other people’s lives we see on social media that we think are so great are really just shitty cakes decorated well in a display case. If you were able to taste them, you’d discover you don’t actually want them that bad after all. Everybody has problems, and if you fall into the comparison trap – you’re measuring yourself up against 1% of what’s actually going on in other people’s lives. You’re extrapolating from that very small sample size to make assumptions about the other 99% of that person’s life and then comparing it against the 100% of your own life that you have to live every day. You don’t know what shit they’re dealing with, but you know your own shit inside and out. Comparing your life with an incomplete picture of someone else’s is apples to oranges – and that’s a recipe for lifelong unhappiness – not making a great cake.

When faced with your imperfections and the parts of yourself and your life that you don’t like, be careful not to overvalue the negatives in relation to the positives. When we play that trick on ourselves, it causes us to prioritize the things that don’t really matter much at the expense of the things that matter most. A goal like “I need to make as much money as possible” can replace a much better goal like “I need to make as many joyful memories as possible with the people I love” real quick if you aren’t paying attention. You need to be intentional about hyping yourself up and appreciating everything you already have and all you’ve already accomplished because life is a marathon, and it is way too difficult to sustain yourself on the climb if you’re knocking yourself down inside your own head. Lean into what you’re doing right, what’s going right, and fucking celebrate yourself. Don’t let other people, circumstances, or unrealistic expectations detract from how special where you are right now actually is. Expectations and desires are often much different than the reality of meeting or achieving them and if you aren’t careful, they can ruin something truly great by messing with your perception of it. Be rooted in reality, always. Do the work to reprogram your brain to find the good in every situation or moment.

If you really feel like things aren’t good enough as they are right now, or you struggle to find what to be grateful for – I would keep it simple. I could have just as easily snapped myself out of my mental funk by thinking to myself, “I’m healthy and able to travel – so many people can’t say that and wish they could be here right now.” Or “My family and all of my good friends are alive and well today – so many people can’t say that and would give anything to trade places with me because I can.” There is literally ALWAYS something to focus on that you can be grateful for that can put whatever is attempting to eat away at your happiness into perspective. If you don’t learn this truth about life and how to master it, no amount of money or things will be able to stop you from feeling lousy about yourself and your place in the world. You will just be rich and sad, in the best-case scenario. That might sound better, but you’ll quickly find out that being able to do and have more shit loses its significance quickly and being truly happy every day of your life is the most meaningful goal you can ever pursue as a human being. People who try to convince you otherwise are empty inside and fighting bigger battles within themselves that you can’t see – and they’re losing.

Like everything I write, I hope this added value to your life if you took the time to read it. I am going to try to be more consistent with this project again and will continue to provide my unvarnished thoughts and opinions that have helped me get to where I am and that I am going to keep using to get to where I want to go. If you take away nothing else from this, remember to focus on what’s going right at all times. Life will continuously challenge you and give you reasons to question yourself and the path you’re on. There will be times when it becomes easy to entertain thoughts that serve no purpose other than to prevent you from reaching your full potential. You have power over whether or not you accept them. You have the ability to choose the thoughts that flourish in your mind, and they will either help you or hurt you. They will either make you or break you. Choose them wisely. Always look for the ones that build you up and give you courage. Cultivate the self-confidence to keep moving forward in the face of adversity. Don’t give up on yourself or your dreams just because you fall into a temporary moment of despair. Making it to the other side of those difficult times will give you strength. The narrative you create for yourself and about yourself inside your own head is much more important than most people realize. Try not to compare yourself to anybody – only who you were yesterday, last week, last month, and last year. Don’t worry about how far you must go or what still needs to be done but look at how far you’ve come already and all that you’ve overcame to get to this moment instead. Don’t try to see far into the future – focus solely on the step that is directly in front of you so that things don’t feel overwhelming and cripple your ability to act. Remember what you’re capable of doing and who you are. Remember that nothing is impossible, and that the only thing that can stop you, is you. It may sound cliché, but the further I progress on my own journey, the more I realize that these are not meaningless sayings to make us feel better about ourselves – they are the core beliefs and building blocks we need to build an extraordinary life. Focus on what’s right.