I don’t think any of us can understate the value of genuine friendship. It’s one of the great joys of life and something we should always cherish when we find it. But relocating across the country away from my existing social network and not having the time (or frankly the desire) to create a new one has taught me an enormous lesson about the value of being emotionally self-reliant – or “being your own best friend.” I’m extremely fortunate to know I have some of the greatest friends in the world living in other cities and make every effort to see them when my schedule permits. I get that needed interaction with them in spread out blocks of time now since we can’t just meet up whenever after work these days. There’s a mutual respect there that, no matter how much time elapses between seeing each other, it feels just like yesterday and nothing changes.

A lot of us are still readjusting to the nuances of socialization as covid-related things seem to cool off or just become less concerning to us. I for one know I did everything possible to make my life fit within the dynamics of pandemic living and I’ve been finding it difficult to break that routine – mostly because it’s highly effective for me. My day to day is literally curated for maximum output and productivity while avoiding physical and mental burnout. It’s a balancing act – one that I’ve gotten particularly good at the last ten months. However, I couldn’t incorporate everything I would have liked into this approach, and as a result, had to make some difficult choices along the way. The easiest thing to give up in order to make more time so that I could sustain my work schedule while still prioritizing physical exercise and seven to eight hours of sleep each day was my social life.

I don’t expect other people to forfeit their entire social lives to build a business with the type of fervor I have. I think it would be unappealing at best for most people. I also don’t think it’s particularly healthy or sustainable in the long-term. But I want to be as straightforward as possible about the process of ascension in the entrepreneurial landscape and with the stage that we’re at with our company, that is what’s required of me right now if we want to go the distance. Since March 2020, I have been working like a man possessed by the devil himself – and results don’t lie. I have an awesome group of people around me (virtually) that has grown larger this past year and helps me move the ball forward consistently. That is what keeps me energized and makes it all possible – seeing my long-term ambitions in the distance and understanding the sacrifices I have to make right now in order to attain them. I’m voluntarily trading near-sighted pleasure for long-term freedom. Nevertheless, I’m human, and this lifestyle can be difficult to maintain and some days the voluntary solitude feels like it might be slipping into isolation territory – and that can be a heavy feeling. So, I want to talk about loneliness and how to overcome it.

I’ve had a tendency to isolate myself throughout periods of my life, particularly when I was abusing drugs and alcohol in my teens and early twenties. Although what I do now somewhat shadows those moments, I find that they’re related but quite different. See, this is the first time I’ve been able to forego regular socialization for a purpose – not because I feel like shit or because I’m sad, but because I have a goal. A goal that’s going to require me to role my sleeves up and work harder and more diligently than many other intelligent and talented people in the world if I want to have a shot at reaching it. A goal that has to be top of mind every single day and cannot be secondary to anything else if I want it to become reality. A goal that has given me purpose, and that I give back my attention, energy, and heart to in return. I’m so determined to accomplish this goal that it prevents me from falling into a depression where I then feel the need to self-medicate with substances or search for other forms of escapism – I’ve been alcohol free for over three years now and I’ll take a hit of a joint every so often but haven’t touched anything more than that in even longer. That’s the power of purpose. I plan on covering substance abuse (alcohol in particular) at some point, but today I want to stick with this idea of learning how to be your own best friend. It’s something I’m still learning how to do, and some days I really suck at it – but it’s an important relationship to develop and foster over time if you want to have a chance to pursue your passions and change the trajectory of your life in a meaningful way. It’s been a central component of my ability to push through the toughest times in my life psychologically.  

I love all of my closest friends dearly. Asking me who my best friend is feels like you’re asking me which one I love more. I really don’t want to answer that question, and I’m proud to say that I legitimately don’t think I could…. so, I’m my best friend instead. I know you’re thinking this is probably going to be a big ego thing and are rolling your eyes already, but bear with me here. I’m not talking about having a grandiose sense of self or being a jackass. I just mean being fully comfortable with yourself – being able to relax and think positive thoughts about yourself when you’re alone. Genuinely loving yourself. I have humility and I don’t think I have the right to judge anyone else… but I also realized that I can’t be so quick to judge myself either. If you think it’s acceptable to talk badly about somebody else’s way of life or judge them for their current position without knowing their story or ever walking a day in their shoes, then you need to stop right there because you have another step to complete before getting to what we’re discussing next. You need to unpack whatever part of you is so unhappy or insecure that it makes you want to pull other people down into that dark place with you.

But here’s the deal – you can’t be the best version of yourself until you reach a real level of self-acceptance and self-love that far too many of us are neglecting. If you’re a good person, you know exactly how leniently and nonjudgmentally you approach other people’s problems. You’re empathetic and you never want to exacerbate anybody’s negative feelings about themselves – and from the outside looking in, you know most of the time it’s way worse in their head than it is in reality. You probably approach these situations in a gentle manner and offer support to those people. But when it comes to yourself, do you offer that same kind of grace in your way of thinking? I know I didn’t.

Somewhere along the line I noticed that I was having a lot more patience and understanding for everybody else, but if I screwed things up or had an off day where I didn’t produce at the level I’d like for whatever reason – I would judge myself really harshly and beat myself up about it. I would kick myself when I was already down, and it would make course-correcting and getting back on track all the more difficult to accomplish. I was handicapping myself. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about success thus far in my journey, it’s that it doesn’t matter how many times you get punched in the gut – but how fast you can recover from the hardest hits you take impacts your chances a lot. Just keep moving forward has to be your mantra, and I promise you that no solution exists that involves beating yourself up. It took me a long time to identify this fault in my way of thinking and behavior, but I’m really glad I did because ever since I shifted my perspective on my own humanity, I’m able to push myself just as hard each day but also cut myself a break when things don’t go according to plan. Because the reality is that if you hate on yourself, you’ve got no shot at achieving anything in life. That’s just the truth. It’s game over before you even lace up your cleats.

If you struggle with this internal hardship too, I want to give you a new way to approach your faults and flaws: Start asking yourself what you would do if a stranger or one of your closest friends came up to you and told you they were feeling the way you feel right now about whatever it is that’s causing you pain or distress. Whether it’s shit that happened recently that’s causing you acute pain, or if it’s stuff you don’t like about yourself or your past that you’ve been carrying around for a long time – ask yourself that, answer it honestly, and then have that same level of consideration for yourself. Give yourself that gift because you’ll find that it’s an extremely practical and effective method of processing your troubles and coming to terms with them. That’s the only way you’re going to be able to turn the page and make forward progress – and the ability to do that is essential if you want to have success doing anything in life.

We tend to be our own worst critic and judge ourselves unfairly in ways we wouldn’t dream of doing to other people – so start looking at yourself and the things that are weighing down on you right now from an objective standpoint. You’re too close to them and you need to step outside of yourself and look at them from another angle. Other people are going to judge you throughout your entire life, and it’s really important to understand that that doesn’t matter. At all. You have to realize that nothing that goes on in anybody else’s mind can hurt you, but what goes on in your own mind absolutely can. You need to build up your self-esteem and see your best friend when you’re looking in the mirror so that you can have a gentle, supportive approach with yourself when things go awry and so you can find peace and strength when you need it most. Otherwise, it leaves you vulnerable to the bullshit negativity other people impose on you – and trust me, they will.

The funny thing is that judgmental people are actually showing you how they feel about themselves. They’re deflecting attention from their own flaws and insecurities because they live in fear of being exposed for who they truly are (or how they perceive themselves). Once you know that, you realize it doesn’t matter what they think, say, or do anymore – and that opens the path to an extraordinary life for you to pursue your passions without being held back by anybody else. It creates tranquility. The second you hear someone start talking shit about somebody else’s life or dragging them through the mud for their problems, understand what that is telling you about the person speaking and immediately stop listening to them. Chances are that if they’re saying it to you about somebody else, they probably say it about you to somebody else too. Tune those people out and limit your interactions with them. Do things that feed your self-esteem instead. If you do, you’ll find that you’ll be way more interested in building other people up than tearing them down – and that’s just a better way to live.

You don’t necessarily have to be dealing with feelings of loneliness to experience the benefits of being your own best friend either. You can have a great support system and I would still say this is worth your time to understand and work on. People are finicky creatures full of irrational and finicky emotions… and even the people who love you most won’t always see eye to eye with you or understand what ignites your passion. Also, success by definition is excelling others in some area of life and some people can’t handle it when they see you excelling them. It may be a hard pill to swallow, but if you’re serious about changing your life for the better you need to be prepared to see your circle get smaller, at least initially. Success can be lonely, and not everyone you start your journey with will stand with you as you continue to climb. Whether it’s a forced situation or not, you need to be comfortable walking alone if you really want to reach your full potential and live your truth. Happiness is an inside job no matter what, so understand that you’re not pushing anybody away by becoming self-reliant – you’re just developing an invaluable internal environment that can help you weather any storm.

You also don’t have to be pursuing financial success or want to be great at business in order to gain a lot of value from this approach. Success is a subjective term to me, and I think it’s imperative that you define it for yourself, so you know what you’re aiming at when you start moving towards it. That helps you dictate where your energy is best expended and what actions and habits are going to be most beneficial to helping you get there. Regardless of what success means to you, it’s going to be an arduous journey to achieve it. If it were easy, everybody would be successful… and all great or worthwhile things should be hard. The more difficult it is, the more you’ll savor the process of getting to your goals. You’re going to need to be your own best friend to make that trek because as you encounter adversity, obstacles, and challenges – you’ll be confronted with the desire to quit and give up on things. If you can’t look within yourself and find that inner hype man or cheerleader to pull you up out of that mental funk, you’re not going to be celebrating many victories along the way. Nobody has ever accomplished anything difficult if they didn’t believe in themselves to do it first. So please start cultivating a healthy and supportive relationship with yourself today – it will carry you to great heights and there’s really no better feeling than knowing you don’t have to rely on anybody else to get the motivation needed to keep going and to keep pushing forward when things get tough.

In Summary:

“You don’t gotta fuck with me, I fuck with me.” – Russ, Utah Freestyle